Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its
accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own
imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half
of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter
failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side
causes water to leak out all the way back to your
house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are
flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other
pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about
your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of
the path, and every day while we walk back, you water
them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these
beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would
not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the
cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives
together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are
and look for the good in them.
Wednesday 19 May 2010
Saturday 15 May 2010
Whose Democracy is it Anyway?
We are the generation who have been reared and educated in the ways of modern democracy. It is a fact of the 21st century! There is no getting around the fact that it is the only operable system in the world. This is what we have been taught. And many examples of other systems have been held up to the light to demonstrate this as evidence to support that fact. But what is democracy? Ahhhhh…I must have missed that lesson. Maybe it was taught on the same day as class photos were taken (I was almost never there that day…I had the flu…cough, cough…)
This is, of course, the 64 million dollar question isn’t it? Because the answer to the question of what constitutes a democracy depends entirely on whom you pose it to. I have no intention on embarking into a world civics lesson here, so suffice it to say that of the 100 or so ‘democracies’ existing in the world today, few if any of them share a common set of rules. Even those who call themselves by the same name, such as ‘republic’, don’t seem to resemble each other on a superficial examination of their M.O.’s. As a case in point we might like to compare the republics of, say, the United States of America with France. Pish, posh, you say! The important thing is that the population at large decides on who gets the vote. Let’s not open that can of worms for the moment. Let us, instead, look at the general feeling of this population towards the very people whom they have elected.
The trouble with all existing democracies is that we take them for granted as the solution to our problems rather than the beginning of a dialogue. This is where we err on the side of apathy. We complain that regardless of which crooks we put into office, they will screw us over anyway. There is, around the world, much evidence to support this sentiment and as a result, many, and in some countries you could even say most, voters will stay away from the polls. What difference can MY vote make? But of course the point of the exercise is to demonstrate the power of the mandate. And then there is the unavoidable campaigning. The process is such a bore and all together predictable. This candidate tells you how great things will be once he gets elected and the other tells you about all the bad things this guy did when he had the chance. Political parties line up in rows of people on the left opposing those on the right with a queue down the middle looking in both directions. In the end there is very little that distinguishes them from one another. How can an intelligent decision be made on the basis of looks, charisma or who has the loudest speaking voice?
Yes, it is a dilemma! But let’s pose ourselves a question. Now, be honest: Did I vote my true conscience in the last election? If your answer to yourself is ‘no’ or ‘not really’, then it might interest you to know that you will statistically fall into the category of half the voters in the world, regardless of which side you pick. The notable exception to this is anyone who voted fringe parties, such as ‘Green’ or ‘Nationalist’. Now, why would you suppose that fringe parties have a more dedicated following than established, main-stream ones? The answer is simple: people who vote fringe parties have no interest in forming governments but opt instead to ‘send a message’. In many cases around the globe, this has resulted in coalitions which have availed themselves of the few representatives of these parties to establish the balance of power and form governments. And in some cases, these earlier ‘fringe’ parties have outshined their major coalition partners to the extent that they were able to steer the ship of state at later stages. This is, in fact, the way that trends are begun.
Of course the majority of us are not interested in the fringes; we just don’t want our vote to be wasted. However, when you think about it, how can sending a message ever be considered wasteful? Suppose everyone would vote their conscience. Think about this for a while and you will soon realize that we might have to contend with dozens of tiny political parties with no one actually able to form a government on its own. And this would be a bad thing because no one single party’s policy would dominate and this might lead to new ideas at every turn. Hang on….wait just a minute…hmmm….WOW!!! That really is something to think about, isn’t it?
Political parties have a tendency to offer small incentives to the voters, in effect ‘buying’ their votes, knowing full-well that they are not expected (nor in most cases do they intend) to deliver on every promise they make. They are careful to point out the harmful effect your ‘incorrect’ vote will have vis-à-vis their NOT getting into power. ‘Don’t waste your vote’, ‘make your vote count’, they tell us. You know and I know that we are voting for this guy because we don’t like the last one; not because we like him but because he is the lesser of the evils available which has a chance of governing. However, when politicians get elected they tend not to interpret their victories as a sign of general discontent but rather as a full-blown endorsement of their person and position. After this point there is no room for discussion or compromise.
But suppose we began by establishing that a new group of people’s representatives are not intended to merely shove their preconceived ideas into law, but rather as your voice in discussions on how to solve the everyday problems of living in a modern society? They are there to be your voice in a dialogue, not to tell you what’s best for you. How would that be? Is there still a hint of democracy here? What do you think?
We really MUST stop telling ourselves that we waste our vote by voting our conscience!
The reason why is simple: WE are accountable for the state of the globe (affairs and environment) today! We are! You and I! It does not do to ‘blame’ the politicians. It is no excuse that we have elected a corrupt politician or judge or dog catcher. Politicians and governments are not entities unto themselves. They are meant to be responsible to every voter (not just those who elected them).
The issues of the world are complex but the causes are simple. Consider this and know it to be true: Countries and governments do not start wars! Countries do not pollute! Countries do not commit acts of terror or genocide! It is PEOPLE who do these things. Some of those people are elected but that does not absolve them of personal responsibility for their actions. Nor does it absolve you or me! Every single negative action in the world which contributes to war or destruction of the environment or human misery is the brain-child of one mind. It could just as well be yours!
I am not under the delusion that we can save the planet, but I know for sure that unless we make a start of it now future generations will not be able to harbour such an aspiration either.
Think very carefully before casting your next vote.
This is, of course, the 64 million dollar question isn’t it? Because the answer to the question of what constitutes a democracy depends entirely on whom you pose it to. I have no intention on embarking into a world civics lesson here, so suffice it to say that of the 100 or so ‘democracies’ existing in the world today, few if any of them share a common set of rules. Even those who call themselves by the same name, such as ‘republic’, don’t seem to resemble each other on a superficial examination of their M.O.’s. As a case in point we might like to compare the republics of, say, the United States of America with France. Pish, posh, you say! The important thing is that the population at large decides on who gets the vote. Let’s not open that can of worms for the moment. Let us, instead, look at the general feeling of this population towards the very people whom they have elected.
The trouble with all existing democracies is that we take them for granted as the solution to our problems rather than the beginning of a dialogue. This is where we err on the side of apathy. We complain that regardless of which crooks we put into office, they will screw us over anyway. There is, around the world, much evidence to support this sentiment and as a result, many, and in some countries you could even say most, voters will stay away from the polls. What difference can MY vote make? But of course the point of the exercise is to demonstrate the power of the mandate. And then there is the unavoidable campaigning. The process is such a bore and all together predictable. This candidate tells you how great things will be once he gets elected and the other tells you about all the bad things this guy did when he had the chance. Political parties line up in rows of people on the left opposing those on the right with a queue down the middle looking in both directions. In the end there is very little that distinguishes them from one another. How can an intelligent decision be made on the basis of looks, charisma or who has the loudest speaking voice?
Yes, it is a dilemma! But let’s pose ourselves a question. Now, be honest: Did I vote my true conscience in the last election? If your answer to yourself is ‘no’ or ‘not really’, then it might interest you to know that you will statistically fall into the category of half the voters in the world, regardless of which side you pick. The notable exception to this is anyone who voted fringe parties, such as ‘Green’ or ‘Nationalist’. Now, why would you suppose that fringe parties have a more dedicated following than established, main-stream ones? The answer is simple: people who vote fringe parties have no interest in forming governments but opt instead to ‘send a message’. In many cases around the globe, this has resulted in coalitions which have availed themselves of the few representatives of these parties to establish the balance of power and form governments. And in some cases, these earlier ‘fringe’ parties have outshined their major coalition partners to the extent that they were able to steer the ship of state at later stages. This is, in fact, the way that trends are begun.
Of course the majority of us are not interested in the fringes; we just don’t want our vote to be wasted. However, when you think about it, how can sending a message ever be considered wasteful? Suppose everyone would vote their conscience. Think about this for a while and you will soon realize that we might have to contend with dozens of tiny political parties with no one actually able to form a government on its own. And this would be a bad thing because no one single party’s policy would dominate and this might lead to new ideas at every turn. Hang on….wait just a minute…hmmm….WOW!!! That really is something to think about, isn’t it?
Political parties have a tendency to offer small incentives to the voters, in effect ‘buying’ their votes, knowing full-well that they are not expected (nor in most cases do they intend) to deliver on every promise they make. They are careful to point out the harmful effect your ‘incorrect’ vote will have vis-à-vis their NOT getting into power. ‘Don’t waste your vote’, ‘make your vote count’, they tell us. You know and I know that we are voting for this guy because we don’t like the last one; not because we like him but because he is the lesser of the evils available which has a chance of governing. However, when politicians get elected they tend not to interpret their victories as a sign of general discontent but rather as a full-blown endorsement of their person and position. After this point there is no room for discussion or compromise.
But suppose we began by establishing that a new group of people’s representatives are not intended to merely shove their preconceived ideas into law, but rather as your voice in discussions on how to solve the everyday problems of living in a modern society? They are there to be your voice in a dialogue, not to tell you what’s best for you. How would that be? Is there still a hint of democracy here? What do you think?
We really MUST stop telling ourselves that we waste our vote by voting our conscience!
The reason why is simple: WE are accountable for the state of the globe (affairs and environment) today! We are! You and I! It does not do to ‘blame’ the politicians. It is no excuse that we have elected a corrupt politician or judge or dog catcher. Politicians and governments are not entities unto themselves. They are meant to be responsible to every voter (not just those who elected them).
The issues of the world are complex but the causes are simple. Consider this and know it to be true: Countries and governments do not start wars! Countries do not pollute! Countries do not commit acts of terror or genocide! It is PEOPLE who do these things. Some of those people are elected but that does not absolve them of personal responsibility for their actions. Nor does it absolve you or me! Every single negative action in the world which contributes to war or destruction of the environment or human misery is the brain-child of one mind. It could just as well be yours!
I am not under the delusion that we can save the planet, but I know for sure that unless we make a start of it now future generations will not be able to harbour such an aspiration either.
Think very carefully before casting your next vote.
You Make Me Miserable
“YOU MAKE ME MISERABLE!”
And other lies we tell ourselves:
A young person’s Guide to Inner Peace
by Daniel Moreau
‘My mum makes my life miserable!’…or how about this one: ‘My dad won’t let me do anything that’s fun!’ And then there’s the ever-popular: ‘My math teacher really has it in for me!’ Now be careful about this: if none of these sounds familiar to you, then not only are you an exceptional human being but you also have the ability to lie convincingly…to yourself!
Sentiments of this nature (and many, many more) are an integral part of growing up and self-realization. It’s all part of an ever-growing feeling that no one really understands you or cares about you. In some cases, you might even believe that everyone hates you or, worse still, that you hate everyone!
My very first advice to you is: take it easy, it’s all part of the journey. What you DO need to understand though, is that any of these feelings and emotions, if not checked, can stay with you for life and contribute even further to your growing anxiety level. In later adult life you will be more prone to stress, and less prone to co-operative existence both in your personal as well as professional life. Negative emotions, when un-checked, have a natural tendency to grow in both frequency and intensity.
The first thing you need to work on is the realization that all these types of reactions and emotions come from your own mind. They are not the fault of anyone other than ourselves. In spite of the fact that we may believe that everyone is ‘out to get me’ or that ‘no one let’s me do what I want’, all of our misery is self-inflicted. Example: you see the blond from your psych class who thinks that she’s better than everyone else walking past you in the hall with some jock-type and you really HATE her! Or it might be someone at work who never pulls her own weight! Or someone who’s tone of voice disgusts you. The truth is, you know little if anything at all about these people and these feelings are pure spin, complete illusion, or even delusion, on your part. For all you know, the blond might be over-compensating for her extremely low self-esteem; the girl in the office may not be aware of the extent of her duties or is unable to cope; and the one whose tone is offensive to you may be trying her best. But regardless of any of this, the feeling we experience is ours alone. It is not shared by the intended victim of our malice. WE are the ones who suffer from feeling bad; no one else! Ironic, isn’t it? All this time we thought we were aiming our disdain toward someone else and…BANG!...it comes right back at US!
So the question we need to ask ourselves is: ‘What does harbouring such feelings about others achieve? How does it satisfy me? Does it make me happy or miserable?’ Worse yet, the more we let this feeling prevail, the more it grows and the more we suffer; and all the while our intended victim is blissfully ignorant of such disdain. The odds are that even if the person knew of our feelings, she could care less! So, all in all, a total waste of energy!
Then, of course there is the possibility of jealousy! The great ‘green-eyed monster’! This is more complex as we have a tendency to deny that we harbour such primordial feelings. We prefer to say out loud that the reason they may think themselves better is because they have this or that and, of course, who cares? The feeling is part of what we call the negative emotion of desire. This is an evil little devil and can also give us much pain when we lose something which we had thought was permanent, such as a favourite material object or, what’s even worse, a personal relationship. Once we have attained our object of desire (be it material or personal), we then suffer from the evil of grasping in order to keep something which, we ought to know, is impermanent. Nothing in the universe is of a permanent nature; absolutely nothing! But such is the nature of our existence. The trick is learning to deal with the suffering of change.
I do not claim that all of our misfortunes are completely our own fault. After all, conditions and circumstances play an important part in our daily life. Many, if not most, of these are outside our direct control. However, the control we DO exercise is on the present moment. And how we deal with this moment will directly impact the next. One moment follows another. And this moment is of the same basic nature and type as the previous one. If I react negatively right now, the next moment will also be a negative one. If I react positively, then positive things may occur. This is known as the ‘law of cause and effect’. Understanding the mechanics of this will go a long way to giving us control over our own happiness. But most of all, it will help us put all events into perspective and allow us to accept the inevitable in a more relaxed manner.
In order to start dealing more effectively with this moment we must first see that, plainly, there are ground rules. The first of these is: the past is past. Yes, that’s right! Nothing can change what has gone before; nothing, never! So guilt and anger will serve no purpose other than to contribute to our misery. However, regret is a useful tool. Regret, or contrition, means that we have learnt something from the experience and will not repeat the same mistake again. For the most part, the past can be stored and forgotten.
Then, of course, there is the future. We can positively influence the future on the basis of our present actions. What we cannot do is predict what outside circumstances may prevail to change even the best laid plans. So, this is something else to forget about. Worry is a useless thing…just as useless as guilt. If we can do something about a given situation, then we do it; no need to worry. If we can’t do anything about it, then there really is nothing more to worry about.
Now, don’t get me wrong: this does not mean that we are at the mercy of fate. What it means is that we can exercise our influence over future events by simply doing the best with the moment at hand: the only moment over which we exercise complete control!
So, how does this help me be a happier person? Firstly, we realize to what extent we have imagined all of our own misery. We realize how much responsibility we have for our own unhappiness by neglecting our own participation in events. We must stop using the presence, nay, mere existence, of our parents, siblings, teachers, enemies, strangers, as being the cause of anything at all. Our mind controls all aspects of our emotions, both positive and negative ones. We need to develop a more realistic approach to how human-kind functions. All those things that we imagine others are doing just to annoy us are, in reality, simply their way of trying to deal with their own situations and their own responsibilities as they see them.
They are trying to achieve the same goals as me: happiness and peace of mind! And they are trying to avoid the same things, too: unhappiness and suffering! The solution is at hand or, rather, in my mind!
And other lies we tell ourselves:
A young person’s Guide to Inner Peace
by Daniel Moreau
‘My mum makes my life miserable!’…or how about this one: ‘My dad won’t let me do anything that’s fun!’ And then there’s the ever-popular: ‘My math teacher really has it in for me!’ Now be careful about this: if none of these sounds familiar to you, then not only are you an exceptional human being but you also have the ability to lie convincingly…to yourself!
Sentiments of this nature (and many, many more) are an integral part of growing up and self-realization. It’s all part of an ever-growing feeling that no one really understands you or cares about you. In some cases, you might even believe that everyone hates you or, worse still, that you hate everyone!
My very first advice to you is: take it easy, it’s all part of the journey. What you DO need to understand though, is that any of these feelings and emotions, if not checked, can stay with you for life and contribute even further to your growing anxiety level. In later adult life you will be more prone to stress, and less prone to co-operative existence both in your personal as well as professional life. Negative emotions, when un-checked, have a natural tendency to grow in both frequency and intensity.
The first thing you need to work on is the realization that all these types of reactions and emotions come from your own mind. They are not the fault of anyone other than ourselves. In spite of the fact that we may believe that everyone is ‘out to get me’ or that ‘no one let’s me do what I want’, all of our misery is self-inflicted. Example: you see the blond from your psych class who thinks that she’s better than everyone else walking past you in the hall with some jock-type and you really HATE her! Or it might be someone at work who never pulls her own weight! Or someone who’s tone of voice disgusts you. The truth is, you know little if anything at all about these people and these feelings are pure spin, complete illusion, or even delusion, on your part. For all you know, the blond might be over-compensating for her extremely low self-esteem; the girl in the office may not be aware of the extent of her duties or is unable to cope; and the one whose tone is offensive to you may be trying her best. But regardless of any of this, the feeling we experience is ours alone. It is not shared by the intended victim of our malice. WE are the ones who suffer from feeling bad; no one else! Ironic, isn’t it? All this time we thought we were aiming our disdain toward someone else and…BANG!...it comes right back at US!
So the question we need to ask ourselves is: ‘What does harbouring such feelings about others achieve? How does it satisfy me? Does it make me happy or miserable?’ Worse yet, the more we let this feeling prevail, the more it grows and the more we suffer; and all the while our intended victim is blissfully ignorant of such disdain. The odds are that even if the person knew of our feelings, she could care less! So, all in all, a total waste of energy!
Then, of course there is the possibility of jealousy! The great ‘green-eyed monster’! This is more complex as we have a tendency to deny that we harbour such primordial feelings. We prefer to say out loud that the reason they may think themselves better is because they have this or that and, of course, who cares? The feeling is part of what we call the negative emotion of desire. This is an evil little devil and can also give us much pain when we lose something which we had thought was permanent, such as a favourite material object or, what’s even worse, a personal relationship. Once we have attained our object of desire (be it material or personal), we then suffer from the evil of grasping in order to keep something which, we ought to know, is impermanent. Nothing in the universe is of a permanent nature; absolutely nothing! But such is the nature of our existence. The trick is learning to deal with the suffering of change.
I do not claim that all of our misfortunes are completely our own fault. After all, conditions and circumstances play an important part in our daily life. Many, if not most, of these are outside our direct control. However, the control we DO exercise is on the present moment. And how we deal with this moment will directly impact the next. One moment follows another. And this moment is of the same basic nature and type as the previous one. If I react negatively right now, the next moment will also be a negative one. If I react positively, then positive things may occur. This is known as the ‘law of cause and effect’. Understanding the mechanics of this will go a long way to giving us control over our own happiness. But most of all, it will help us put all events into perspective and allow us to accept the inevitable in a more relaxed manner.
In order to start dealing more effectively with this moment we must first see that, plainly, there are ground rules. The first of these is: the past is past. Yes, that’s right! Nothing can change what has gone before; nothing, never! So guilt and anger will serve no purpose other than to contribute to our misery. However, regret is a useful tool. Regret, or contrition, means that we have learnt something from the experience and will not repeat the same mistake again. For the most part, the past can be stored and forgotten.
Then, of course, there is the future. We can positively influence the future on the basis of our present actions. What we cannot do is predict what outside circumstances may prevail to change even the best laid plans. So, this is something else to forget about. Worry is a useless thing…just as useless as guilt. If we can do something about a given situation, then we do it; no need to worry. If we can’t do anything about it, then there really is nothing more to worry about.
Now, don’t get me wrong: this does not mean that we are at the mercy of fate. What it means is that we can exercise our influence over future events by simply doing the best with the moment at hand: the only moment over which we exercise complete control!
So, how does this help me be a happier person? Firstly, we realize to what extent we have imagined all of our own misery. We realize how much responsibility we have for our own unhappiness by neglecting our own participation in events. We must stop using the presence, nay, mere existence, of our parents, siblings, teachers, enemies, strangers, as being the cause of anything at all. Our mind controls all aspects of our emotions, both positive and negative ones. We need to develop a more realistic approach to how human-kind functions. All those things that we imagine others are doing just to annoy us are, in reality, simply their way of trying to deal with their own situations and their own responsibilities as they see them.
They are trying to achieve the same goals as me: happiness and peace of mind! And they are trying to avoid the same things, too: unhappiness and suffering! The solution is at hand or, rather, in my mind!
Why Am I a Buddhist?
August, 2004 (revised from earlier)
Why am I Buddhist?
I would like to believe that we are all Buddhists hence, I am Buddhist. Yet I know that the simplicity of that assertion would not find massive support from within my closest circle of friends and relatives. In fact, was I to say that aloud, I’m quite sure that most would either not believe my sincerity or, if they did, would think me very naïve? But basically, I believe in that statement. Most of the people I know share most of the same values as I do vis-à-vis our fellow man. The only difference between them is perhaps to what extent they would put the well-being of others ahead of their own. Ah, you may say, that is exactly what is non-Buddhist about most people. Not true my friend. It is a simple fact of humanity that we are all looking for happiness and wish to avoid suffering. Everyone wants those two things. The only time that we put ourselves first is when that desire is under threat.
Ironically, we always feel best when we have achieved the goal of making life easier for someone else. Most people only strive to include their nearest and dearest in this effort, but some include total strangers too. What about people who support one of the many humanitarian NGO’s on some level or other? Why do they do that? Because they instinctively feel a sense of responsibility for the difference in status that exists amongst creatures in the world. That is the first step towards compassion. For some, it is a question of pity. Some say that when your fear touches someone’s pain, it becomes pity; but when your love touches someone’s pain, it becomes compassion.
Having established that this basic instinct for self-preservation has the added benefit of helping others at times, then the next step is putting others ahead of you. Now for most people that sounds quite holy, but it truly isn’t. In fact, there is a great deal more satisfaction received from helping others achieve their goals, then achieving selfish goals. Once we achieve a personal goal, we are left with a bit of an empty feeling leading us to think: Now what? We are rarely satisfied with the status quo on achievement. However, when we have helped someone else achieve their goal, then we feel a true sense of accomplishment and a job well done. And that’s the end of that!
By devoting myself to the precepts of Buddhism, I meditate on the emptiness of phenomena and egolessness, and these efforts help me to think of others first. Now to most people who haven’t tried it before, the concept of no “I” may be a difficult one to accept, but once you really study the basis for this assumption, then it all begins to make some sense and other concepts become clearer as well. Obviously, if my intention here is simply to answer the question of why I am Buddhist, then I cannot rattle off all the tenets of the Buddhadharma without making the whole piece sound like an exercise in gibberish. Suffice it to say, that once stuck into the material, I find that the principles of life, death, rebirth, karma, selflessness and emptiness which are taught there all begin to fit into the vast jigsaw puzzle that we know to be our existence (or non-existence) within the realm of this world that we inhabit for the time being.
As a Buddhist, I feel a sense of responsibility towards all sentient beings. That is to say that I feel that I have to try to save all from suffering and the causes of suffering but more than just that. I want to help all achieve happiness. I know that this goal is one that is achievable. Obviously the goal cannot be achieved by a single individual in a single lifetime, but we all have our part to play and need to make an effort in that direction by the actions that we perform while on this plane of existence.
To illustrate my point, I would like to make a rather bold contention:
The world today is full of war, hatred, suffering, starvation and disease as a result of man’s inhumanity to man. That is not news. However, I believe that in my lifetime or my nephews’ and nieces’ lifetimes, or their children’s lifetimes at the latest, it would be possible to eliminate the threat and suffering of human terrorism from the planet. How, you may ask? Simply by educating the world, one small section of the population at a time, to always compare the righteousness of a cause with the evil motivation of causing innocent people to suffer for that cause in addition to the inhumane and monstrous methods used to achieve those aims for the selfish attainment of a most questionable and misplaced concept of paradise.
Also, I believe that we have the means and ability to eliminate some of the worst plagues to visit mankind, such as Ebola and AIDS, just to mention two. All that would require is the abandonment of profit ahead of humanity. Can’t be done, you say? Fine…why can it not be done? Because WE won’t let it be done? WE comprise the people who make these decisions in the world. And we know where WE stand on this issue, don’t we? So, it follows, that sooner or later the matter WILL be dealt with in a manner which will achieve the goal.
If we teach compassion and loving kindness, patience and tolerance to our children, they will in turn teach it to theirs.
It all depends on the seed we sow now!
Yes, we are ALL Buddhists! Perhaps, some are more Buddhist than others. That will change. I want to help. That is why I am Buddhist!
February 1, 2008.
I have wanted to update this page for some time now. In order to measure my growth or change with regard to my faith, I felt it necessary to re-read my original text. I have not rewritten any part of it although I have corrected a few spelling and grammatical errors which had escaped my scan previously.
To my surprise, nothing has changed! And yet, everything has changed!
Everything I wrote down four years ago still reflects my feelings on the subject now. However the change I mention is based on my certainty about the assertions I have espoused.
I have been convinced, as many before me, that Buddhism is both a philosophy and a religion. The philosophy is based on both the known and as yet unknown aspects of the universe at large contained in all the sciences. All of mankind’s scientific discoveries and endeavours are contained somewhere in the Buddhist philosophies and in particular in the approaches of quantum mechanics and physics but not restricted to those. The greatest similarity between the philosophies and the sciences is the requirement to test all aspects of any hypothesis prior to espousing any conclusions, and even here it is the Buddhist and scientific approach which dictates that even these may be brought under closer examination at any time.
And just as in quantum, the moment one feels that a breakthrough is imminent, yet another question or puzzle raises its head.
The religious aspects of Buddhism are all geared towards developing a clearer, more rational analytical mind. The meditative practices, particularly in the Tibetan traditions, are so varied and numerous that almost everyone can find a system which works for them. The one thing which they all have in common is the strength one develops through faith. That is to say that if one has faith in one’s own abilities, they will undoubtedly succeed. On the one hand Buddhism presents a specific scenario and on the other hand it forbids you to accept it at face value. The operative word in Buddhist philosophy as well as the Buddhist religion is: test, test, and test! Don’t take anyone’s word for anything without thoroughly analysing it first! You may, of course, always trust your guru or lama but don’t accept his claims if doubts occur. You may however follow his instructions: they may very well lead you to realization.
The subject which has caused me the greatest consternation and frustration is the Buddhist philosophy of shunyata or emptiness. This is the subject which deals with the nature of reality, the way in which objects and phenomena truly exist (different from the way we believe them to exist), and the false assertion of self. I have at this point received numerous teachings on the subject by various teachers. I feel that the different approaches used by each new teacher has helped me reach what might be acceptably called an ‘intellectual understanding’ of the subject. However, each time I reach a level where I believe a deeper understanding is at hand, I am reminded of one of my teachers’ advice to meditate on the ‘emptiness of emptiness’ and I’m back at square one again. Never mind! Somewhere in this muddle, I think that’s ok. It only spurs me onward with new determination.
Oddly enough, in spite of being told on numerous occasions that the principles of karma require the greatest application of faith, I don’t see it in that light at all. For me, the law of cause and effect is simply a matter of logic. How in the world can anyone argue that results arise from anything other than their causes? Conversely, how could anyone doubt that all our actions give results which are similar in basic nature (sooner or later)? The only space in which I might concede that faith is required is in the concept of rebirth. We have no one who can prove this theory although there are a multitude of anecdotal accounts which would appear to support it. In order for karma to follow us through this life and beyond to our next life, one needs believe in its likelihood. For my part, I cannot deny that even babies are born with tendencies already in place. For example, some babies are born with the tendency to cry more than others; some need constant attention while others are always happy and sleep through the night: the good baby/difficult baby syndromes. I could give many more examples of early life tendencies which do not appear to be learned, but many people would insist that these may be genetically instigated, so I won’t bother. Personally, I am convinced in the ‘possibility’ of rebirth although I don’t believe that all sentient beings experience this or that they necessarily return in the same form. In fact, Buddhism doesn’t claim this either, other than to assume that consciousness is a continuum which has existed since beginning less time, in one form or another, depending on karma. But the greatest contribution to the promotion of humanity in the principles of karma can be found in a quote in Sogyal Rinpoche’s book ‘The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying’ which reads: “If you want to know about your previous life, look at your present condition. If you want to know about your next life, look at your present actions.” This should be enough to cause anyone to act a bit more cautiously.
I have chosen the Mahayana Buddhist path and specifically in the Tibetan tradition. The reason for this is quite simple: the Tibetan Buddhist path puts the liberation of all sentient beings before the goal of self-liberation. The idea of developing boddhicita (the earnest desire to achieve enlightenment for the sake of liberating all sentient beings) is a very ambitious aspiration and very difficult to achieve. However, I believe that boddhisatvas (enlightened beings who have rejected nirvana but instead chose to return as human to liberate others) walk among us and that would logically follow that if their path exists then this MUST be the meaning of my existence. The ambition isn’t so much to amass merit (all merit has already been achieved) as it is to liberate others. This requires a perfection of compassion, loving kindness and equanimity. I don’t claim to possess any of the qualities required to attain that goal but since we are all possessed of Buddha nature then it is only a matter of lifetimes before I can join that group. I intend to persevere.
When putting all these things together, I had to reconcile my Roman Catholic upbringing with the Buddhist understanding of ultimate reality. In Buddhism there is no dogma which insists on the existence of God, the creator of all things. For that matter, the only dogma in Buddhism at all is the one which insists that we question and test all our beliefs. For that reason, many people don’t regard Buddhism as a religion at all. The truth is that I feel that I have a better and closer relationship with God than in my previous religion. I have a different and less caricatured vision of God, but my spirituality is heightened through my meditation on the nature of reality, on how all things exist and the inter-connectedness of everything in the universe. So, I don’t feel comfortable when people accuse me of having no God in my religion. I think it is more a matter of: you have one idea of God, and I have another. As a Buddhist, I accept that not all people can have the same religion; any spirituality is better than no spirituality; I must be tolerant of all; I must not differentiate between friend, enemy or stranger; I must develop compassion for all beings; I must develop loving kindness for all beings. These are quite lofty goals, I know, but I have met people who possess these qualities, so it’s possible.
The bottom line for me is simply this: through my study of Buddhism and the meagre efforts that I exert, I have developed a sincere desire to be a better human being. It may not be enlightenment, but it’s a start.
Why am I Buddhist?
I would like to believe that we are all Buddhists hence, I am Buddhist. Yet I know that the simplicity of that assertion would not find massive support from within my closest circle of friends and relatives. In fact, was I to say that aloud, I’m quite sure that most would either not believe my sincerity or, if they did, would think me very naïve? But basically, I believe in that statement. Most of the people I know share most of the same values as I do vis-à-vis our fellow man. The only difference between them is perhaps to what extent they would put the well-being of others ahead of their own. Ah, you may say, that is exactly what is non-Buddhist about most people. Not true my friend. It is a simple fact of humanity that we are all looking for happiness and wish to avoid suffering. Everyone wants those two things. The only time that we put ourselves first is when that desire is under threat.
Ironically, we always feel best when we have achieved the goal of making life easier for someone else. Most people only strive to include their nearest and dearest in this effort, but some include total strangers too. What about people who support one of the many humanitarian NGO’s on some level or other? Why do they do that? Because they instinctively feel a sense of responsibility for the difference in status that exists amongst creatures in the world. That is the first step towards compassion. For some, it is a question of pity. Some say that when your fear touches someone’s pain, it becomes pity; but when your love touches someone’s pain, it becomes compassion.
Having established that this basic instinct for self-preservation has the added benefit of helping others at times, then the next step is putting others ahead of you. Now for most people that sounds quite holy, but it truly isn’t. In fact, there is a great deal more satisfaction received from helping others achieve their goals, then achieving selfish goals. Once we achieve a personal goal, we are left with a bit of an empty feeling leading us to think: Now what? We are rarely satisfied with the status quo on achievement. However, when we have helped someone else achieve their goal, then we feel a true sense of accomplishment and a job well done. And that’s the end of that!
By devoting myself to the precepts of Buddhism, I meditate on the emptiness of phenomena and egolessness, and these efforts help me to think of others first. Now to most people who haven’t tried it before, the concept of no “I” may be a difficult one to accept, but once you really study the basis for this assumption, then it all begins to make some sense and other concepts become clearer as well. Obviously, if my intention here is simply to answer the question of why I am Buddhist, then I cannot rattle off all the tenets of the Buddhadharma without making the whole piece sound like an exercise in gibberish. Suffice it to say, that once stuck into the material, I find that the principles of life, death, rebirth, karma, selflessness and emptiness which are taught there all begin to fit into the vast jigsaw puzzle that we know to be our existence (or non-existence) within the realm of this world that we inhabit for the time being.
As a Buddhist, I feel a sense of responsibility towards all sentient beings. That is to say that I feel that I have to try to save all from suffering and the causes of suffering but more than just that. I want to help all achieve happiness. I know that this goal is one that is achievable. Obviously the goal cannot be achieved by a single individual in a single lifetime, but we all have our part to play and need to make an effort in that direction by the actions that we perform while on this plane of existence.
To illustrate my point, I would like to make a rather bold contention:
The world today is full of war, hatred, suffering, starvation and disease as a result of man’s inhumanity to man. That is not news. However, I believe that in my lifetime or my nephews’ and nieces’ lifetimes, or their children’s lifetimes at the latest, it would be possible to eliminate the threat and suffering of human terrorism from the planet. How, you may ask? Simply by educating the world, one small section of the population at a time, to always compare the righteousness of a cause with the evil motivation of causing innocent people to suffer for that cause in addition to the inhumane and monstrous methods used to achieve those aims for the selfish attainment of a most questionable and misplaced concept of paradise.
Also, I believe that we have the means and ability to eliminate some of the worst plagues to visit mankind, such as Ebola and AIDS, just to mention two. All that would require is the abandonment of profit ahead of humanity. Can’t be done, you say? Fine…why can it not be done? Because WE won’t let it be done? WE comprise the people who make these decisions in the world. And we know where WE stand on this issue, don’t we? So, it follows, that sooner or later the matter WILL be dealt with in a manner which will achieve the goal.
If we teach compassion and loving kindness, patience and tolerance to our children, they will in turn teach it to theirs.
It all depends on the seed we sow now!
Yes, we are ALL Buddhists! Perhaps, some are more Buddhist than others. That will change. I want to help. That is why I am Buddhist!
February 1, 2008.
I have wanted to update this page for some time now. In order to measure my growth or change with regard to my faith, I felt it necessary to re-read my original text. I have not rewritten any part of it although I have corrected a few spelling and grammatical errors which had escaped my scan previously.
To my surprise, nothing has changed! And yet, everything has changed!
Everything I wrote down four years ago still reflects my feelings on the subject now. However the change I mention is based on my certainty about the assertions I have espoused.
I have been convinced, as many before me, that Buddhism is both a philosophy and a religion. The philosophy is based on both the known and as yet unknown aspects of the universe at large contained in all the sciences. All of mankind’s scientific discoveries and endeavours are contained somewhere in the Buddhist philosophies and in particular in the approaches of quantum mechanics and physics but not restricted to those. The greatest similarity between the philosophies and the sciences is the requirement to test all aspects of any hypothesis prior to espousing any conclusions, and even here it is the Buddhist and scientific approach which dictates that even these may be brought under closer examination at any time.
And just as in quantum, the moment one feels that a breakthrough is imminent, yet another question or puzzle raises its head.
The religious aspects of Buddhism are all geared towards developing a clearer, more rational analytical mind. The meditative practices, particularly in the Tibetan traditions, are so varied and numerous that almost everyone can find a system which works for them. The one thing which they all have in common is the strength one develops through faith. That is to say that if one has faith in one’s own abilities, they will undoubtedly succeed. On the one hand Buddhism presents a specific scenario and on the other hand it forbids you to accept it at face value. The operative word in Buddhist philosophy as well as the Buddhist religion is: test, test, and test! Don’t take anyone’s word for anything without thoroughly analysing it first! You may, of course, always trust your guru or lama but don’t accept his claims if doubts occur. You may however follow his instructions: they may very well lead you to realization.
The subject which has caused me the greatest consternation and frustration is the Buddhist philosophy of shunyata or emptiness. This is the subject which deals with the nature of reality, the way in which objects and phenomena truly exist (different from the way we believe them to exist), and the false assertion of self. I have at this point received numerous teachings on the subject by various teachers. I feel that the different approaches used by each new teacher has helped me reach what might be acceptably called an ‘intellectual understanding’ of the subject. However, each time I reach a level where I believe a deeper understanding is at hand, I am reminded of one of my teachers’ advice to meditate on the ‘emptiness of emptiness’ and I’m back at square one again. Never mind! Somewhere in this muddle, I think that’s ok. It only spurs me onward with new determination.
Oddly enough, in spite of being told on numerous occasions that the principles of karma require the greatest application of faith, I don’t see it in that light at all. For me, the law of cause and effect is simply a matter of logic. How in the world can anyone argue that results arise from anything other than their causes? Conversely, how could anyone doubt that all our actions give results which are similar in basic nature (sooner or later)? The only space in which I might concede that faith is required is in the concept of rebirth. We have no one who can prove this theory although there are a multitude of anecdotal accounts which would appear to support it. In order for karma to follow us through this life and beyond to our next life, one needs believe in its likelihood. For my part, I cannot deny that even babies are born with tendencies already in place. For example, some babies are born with the tendency to cry more than others; some need constant attention while others are always happy and sleep through the night: the good baby/difficult baby syndromes. I could give many more examples of early life tendencies which do not appear to be learned, but many people would insist that these may be genetically instigated, so I won’t bother. Personally, I am convinced in the ‘possibility’ of rebirth although I don’t believe that all sentient beings experience this or that they necessarily return in the same form. In fact, Buddhism doesn’t claim this either, other than to assume that consciousness is a continuum which has existed since beginning less time, in one form or another, depending on karma. But the greatest contribution to the promotion of humanity in the principles of karma can be found in a quote in Sogyal Rinpoche’s book ‘The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying’ which reads: “If you want to know about your previous life, look at your present condition. If you want to know about your next life, look at your present actions.” This should be enough to cause anyone to act a bit more cautiously.
I have chosen the Mahayana Buddhist path and specifically in the Tibetan tradition. The reason for this is quite simple: the Tibetan Buddhist path puts the liberation of all sentient beings before the goal of self-liberation. The idea of developing boddhicita (the earnest desire to achieve enlightenment for the sake of liberating all sentient beings) is a very ambitious aspiration and very difficult to achieve. However, I believe that boddhisatvas (enlightened beings who have rejected nirvana but instead chose to return as human to liberate others) walk among us and that would logically follow that if their path exists then this MUST be the meaning of my existence. The ambition isn’t so much to amass merit (all merit has already been achieved) as it is to liberate others. This requires a perfection of compassion, loving kindness and equanimity. I don’t claim to possess any of the qualities required to attain that goal but since we are all possessed of Buddha nature then it is only a matter of lifetimes before I can join that group. I intend to persevere.
When putting all these things together, I had to reconcile my Roman Catholic upbringing with the Buddhist understanding of ultimate reality. In Buddhism there is no dogma which insists on the existence of God, the creator of all things. For that matter, the only dogma in Buddhism at all is the one which insists that we question and test all our beliefs. For that reason, many people don’t regard Buddhism as a religion at all. The truth is that I feel that I have a better and closer relationship with God than in my previous religion. I have a different and less caricatured vision of God, but my spirituality is heightened through my meditation on the nature of reality, on how all things exist and the inter-connectedness of everything in the universe. So, I don’t feel comfortable when people accuse me of having no God in my religion. I think it is more a matter of: you have one idea of God, and I have another. As a Buddhist, I accept that not all people can have the same religion; any spirituality is better than no spirituality; I must be tolerant of all; I must not differentiate between friend, enemy or stranger; I must develop compassion for all beings; I must develop loving kindness for all beings. These are quite lofty goals, I know, but I have met people who possess these qualities, so it’s possible.
The bottom line for me is simply this: through my study of Buddhism and the meagre efforts that I exert, I have developed a sincere desire to be a better human being. It may not be enlightenment, but it’s a start.
To My Christian Family
One of the most commonly encountered situations in the western Buddhist community is the questions which arise within one’s own family. This is particularly true for those of us who have come into Buddhism as adults and without the support or participation of our families. I think it is important to explore the options that we have to present our case without appearing defensive or to come off as missionary.
As we know, His Holiness the Dalai Lama has many times iterated that Buddhism cannot be for everyone any more that any other religion is suited to all. In addition, in the absence of dogma, Buddhism expressly forbids the active recruitment of converts. In fact, if we follow the precepts correctly, we are more than aware of the futility of such an attempt since, without doubt, if one needs convincing in the righteousness of the Buddhist path, then one has misunderstood the point. The Buddhist path is one of discovery and self-awareness. This cannot be achieved from external pressure but rather can only be a direct result of internal realization and investigation.
Those of us who have been raised in the standard Christian environment are likely to encounter one or more of several predictable reactions from our loved ones. It may be interesting to see how many of these are familiar to your own situation.
I was raised in a relatively common Roman Catholic home. That is to say that all the children attended parochial schools as long as it was economically viable to do so. In our family’s case this meant that we entered the public school system after the completion of primary catholic education. The first eight years of our schooling was dominated by priests, brothers and nuns; the latter had the greatest influence. Of course, religious instruction played a significant role in the curriculum as well. We were marched en masse to church services on all days of the religious calendar and every Sunday our parents delivered us to the doorway of the local church to attend mass. Whether the instructions resulted in a deeper faith is questionable but we were left with the inalienable belief that ours was the only valid religion and those who did not ascribe to it were inevitably destined for an eternity of suffering in hell! As we matured and were eventually left to make up our own minds about our individual beliefs, the attendance to church services dwindled seriously, nonetheless other points of view were always to be regarded with suspicion or even contempt. To this day, the prevalent judeo-christian-islam reaction to those of the Jehovah Witness, Scientology or Mormon faiths is one of distrust, disgust and bewilderment. This may or may not be the officially prescribed stand but it is astounding how many clerics share those views. There is no tolerance for “break-away” sects. It is interesting to note that the one dogma shared by all these religions (including those making judgement) is the belief that theirs is the only ‘true’ faith and the only valid course to paradise. Of course, we should all be aware that charlatans in the guise of spiritual guides and prophets exist in the world and we should exercise caution and wisdom in sorting these out.
And then there is Buddhism!
Most westerners have little if any understanding of the foundations of Buddhist thought, let alone the various religious practices which exist within it. And, as I have discovered, the tiny bits of information some people have acquired on the subject is either false, distorted or over-simplified. In addition, if questions are posed they are inevitably phrased to elicit a yes or no response. You are most likely to be asked: “Do you believe in God/Jesus Christ/paradise/hell/the soul/the resurrection/etc. ?” You are not likely to be engaged in a discussion or debate on ‘The Three Jewels’, the nature of mind, karma, re-birth, samsara, compassion, loving kindness, equanimity, nirvana or any other subjects which might provoke thought (at least not by anyone who is not encouraged by drink – it is important to NOT engage in discussion under those circumstances). In essence, no one is interested in your beliefs but rather on your stand vis-à-vis ‘their’ beliefs.
So the question remains: How do I answer questions posed by my family?
I have found that the easiest way to answer questions without antagonizing, alienating or lying to my loved ones is to accede to the fact that I do not reject their religious beliefs nor do I ascribe to them. I appreciate whatever form of spirituality they may have and I believe that it may very well lead to an enlightened state. I tell them that the important thing about my religion is the way we live our lives and the care we show towards others. I end by telling them that I think that sounds a lot like theirs…doesn’t it?
As we know, His Holiness the Dalai Lama has many times iterated that Buddhism cannot be for everyone any more that any other religion is suited to all. In addition, in the absence of dogma, Buddhism expressly forbids the active recruitment of converts. In fact, if we follow the precepts correctly, we are more than aware of the futility of such an attempt since, without doubt, if one needs convincing in the righteousness of the Buddhist path, then one has misunderstood the point. The Buddhist path is one of discovery and self-awareness. This cannot be achieved from external pressure but rather can only be a direct result of internal realization and investigation.
Those of us who have been raised in the standard Christian environment are likely to encounter one or more of several predictable reactions from our loved ones. It may be interesting to see how many of these are familiar to your own situation.
I was raised in a relatively common Roman Catholic home. That is to say that all the children attended parochial schools as long as it was economically viable to do so. In our family’s case this meant that we entered the public school system after the completion of primary catholic education. The first eight years of our schooling was dominated by priests, brothers and nuns; the latter had the greatest influence. Of course, religious instruction played a significant role in the curriculum as well. We were marched en masse to church services on all days of the religious calendar and every Sunday our parents delivered us to the doorway of the local church to attend mass. Whether the instructions resulted in a deeper faith is questionable but we were left with the inalienable belief that ours was the only valid religion and those who did not ascribe to it were inevitably destined for an eternity of suffering in hell! As we matured and were eventually left to make up our own minds about our individual beliefs, the attendance to church services dwindled seriously, nonetheless other points of view were always to be regarded with suspicion or even contempt. To this day, the prevalent judeo-christian-islam reaction to those of the Jehovah Witness, Scientology or Mormon faiths is one of distrust, disgust and bewilderment. This may or may not be the officially prescribed stand but it is astounding how many clerics share those views. There is no tolerance for “break-away” sects. It is interesting to note that the one dogma shared by all these religions (including those making judgement) is the belief that theirs is the only ‘true’ faith and the only valid course to paradise. Of course, we should all be aware that charlatans in the guise of spiritual guides and prophets exist in the world and we should exercise caution and wisdom in sorting these out.
And then there is Buddhism!
Most westerners have little if any understanding of the foundations of Buddhist thought, let alone the various religious practices which exist within it. And, as I have discovered, the tiny bits of information some people have acquired on the subject is either false, distorted or over-simplified. In addition, if questions are posed they are inevitably phrased to elicit a yes or no response. You are most likely to be asked: “Do you believe in God/Jesus Christ/paradise/hell/the soul/the resurrection/etc. ?” You are not likely to be engaged in a discussion or debate on ‘The Three Jewels’, the nature of mind, karma, re-birth, samsara, compassion, loving kindness, equanimity, nirvana or any other subjects which might provoke thought (at least not by anyone who is not encouraged by drink – it is important to NOT engage in discussion under those circumstances). In essence, no one is interested in your beliefs but rather on your stand vis-à-vis ‘their’ beliefs.
So the question remains: How do I answer questions posed by my family?
I have found that the easiest way to answer questions without antagonizing, alienating or lying to my loved ones is to accede to the fact that I do not reject their religious beliefs nor do I ascribe to them. I appreciate whatever form of spirituality they may have and I believe that it may very well lead to an enlightened state. I tell them that the important thing about my religion is the way we live our lives and the care we show towards others. I end by telling them that I think that sounds a lot like theirs…doesn’t it?
My Easing Out Story
I’m calling this my “easing out story” because I never actually came out in any dramatic sense, which seems to be the case for most young people today as witnessed in the hundreds of YouTube videos. The whole “coming out” scene seems to have developed into a world-wide phenomenon and, I have no doubt, has contributed to a wider acceptance of gay and lesbian people in general. This will also contribute to the eventual (I can only hope) complete elimination of homophobia. At this rate, everyone will have at least one gay friend, acquaintance, or family member by the time they have graduated high school thereby relegating a person’s sexuality to the annals of trivial or banal information which plays no part in the choosing of one’s friends, colleagues or employees by the time they are adult. The internet has made the world a more connected place and has begun the process of blurring the differences between north, south, east, west, small town and big city. This can only benefit us all. However, most of the stories appear to be posted by young people. Young people have a courage that has not yet been tainted by the cynicism of “the real world” which develops in our consciousness when we have graduated from college and have dived head-long into the work force and other aspects of ‘adult’ society. The fact that people are now addressing this issue at a young age is very positive because once the ‘G’ word is out in the open, it can’t be taken back. The phenomenon is also forcing older adults to come to terms with the harmful nature of their age-old attitudes and redressing them according to the new environment. This applies to both gay and straight. Things were not always that easy or straight-forward.
I am an ‘older’ gay man approaching my 60th birthday and it occurred to me that I should jot down some of my experience, not so much to merely tell a story, but also to demonstrate the progress which has been made during my lifetime. Even so, my journey has been much easier than many of my peers though not without drama. Some time ago, I wrote a short-story based on my very first experience with another boy and as an introduction to the rest of the story, I copy it here. (Note the names are fictitious).
FIRST LOVE
He was always in love. Not with a single person but always with someone; sometimes with more than one person at the time. Not always on a sensual plane, but sensuality undeniably played a major part in some infatuations. In fact, his first love affair began as mere sexual exploration and quickly turned into a real and enduring affection. His name was Howie and he was literally the boy next door. Two months into their relationship, Didier would find himself curled up in his bed trying to find sleep but unable to relax because he could not stop thinking about Howie. He imagined Howie in the bed beside him, holding him and with his heart pounding so hard that he could hear it; he thought “I wish I could keep him here for all of my life”. That was quite a thought for a seven-year-old to formulate.
Whatever the circumstances, the die was cast and his whole life from here-on-in would revolve around passion. His family life would encourage him to seek solace outside that would provide him (in a strange sort of way) with the emotional stability he would need to grow.
Howie was just two years older than Didier but for a 7 year-old that seemed like a generation of difference. He was, after all, one third his own age older. Although Howie did not socialize with him openly, in private he was very eager to teach Didier the ‘ways of grown-ups’…at least that was the way he explained it to him. Didier was slightly small for his age while Howie cut quite a figure for a nine-year-old. Of course his size commanded respect but Didier saw him as a figure of authority and awe. He hung on Howie’s every word and revelled in the attention he was given. Whenever he saw Howie on the street with his little group of cronies, he understood that he was not to expect any kind of acknowledgement from him. One of the group, Vince, was a chubby little Italian kid from up the street who enjoyed bullying the smaller children and this was tolerated until he began to physically abuse them. Whenever that occurred (and it was often) Howie would always wait until the very last moment to intervene…but he always did. Howie was the alpha male in the group and no one ever defied him. Even as Howie was saving Didier from an Italian attack, he was more concerned with disciplining Vince than in comforting the victim. Didier didn’t mind and at times even would gently provoke Vince in order to see Howie in action. He loved to see Howie in action!
For the next two years, all Didier’s hopes would revolve around keeping tabs on Howie’s schedule and the anticipation of their daily trips behind the garage or under the basement steps or in other camouflaged and discreet meeting places. The tenderness and attention he received from Howie would compensate the total perceived disinterest from his parents.
In the meantime, his family was growing and before long Didier found himself the eldest of two, then three, then four children and was appointed the ‘responsible’ one through no fault of his own. This meant that he would be expected to use all his free time in ‘watching’ his younger siblings and this necessarily resulted in a paring down of the time he would otherwise have spent with Howie. However, it had the unexpected result of adding the active participation of Howie in seeking out moments of solitude and a dimension of passion in the encounters beyond what two young boys could possibly have expected under usual circumstances. Didier’s love for Howie increased proportionally with the decrease in their meetings. There were many nights when Didier would cry himself to sleep because he had not been able to be with his love that day. Even on those days he would find solace in merely seeing him come and go from the house next door through the window of the family living room. Nevertheless, their meetings were no longer on a teacher/student level but had, over time, evolved into a coming together of lovers who had been united by circumstance. The encounters were always too few and too brief.
What would have been a logical consequence to an adult came as a devastating chock to Didier: His family had outgrown the house they called home and the date was announced for them to move on to more spacious accommodation. Didier was inconsolable but his parents assumed that this was simply a child’s over-reaction and were convinced that he would calm down as soon as he saw their new house. They never actually asked him why the prospect of moving upset him so. Had they asked, he would have told them but...they didn’t; nor did he volunteer the information. He had no idea that his relationship with Howie would have caused considerable consternation or that it was in any way unusual. The only thing he had learned about sexuality from his parents was that moments of intimacy were meant to be private. This had been re-enforced by the way in which Howie conducted their meetings. He had no concept of right and wrong when it came to love or sex. If the truth be known, he wasn’t even aware of the existence of sex as an independent phenomenon. The only thing he understood about his situation was that he was deliriously happy when he was with Howie and equally miserable when they were apart.
Howie’s reaction to the news was to take it a great deal more calmly and his only comment was one of resignation. “Of course,” he said, “the house is much too small for you now.” The only up-side to the upcoming move was that Howie made much more of an effort to seek Didier out at every opportunity. Didier was allowed a great deal more lee-way in the few weeks leading up to the move, probably due to his parents’ noticing his change of humour when he was called out. They probably thought that he was in the process of forgetting his sadness. They had no clue!
On moving day, Howie kept back, preferring to observe the proceedings from the safety of his front porch. He displayed no emotion, at times pretending to be occupied with things going on up the street. He did not budge from that spot nor did he make any overt attempt to say ‘goodbye’.
Once the last truck was packed and the family’s last belongings and children were bundled in the back seat of the car, Didier stared through the window at Howie sitting disinterestedly on the front porch. He waved frantically back at him as they drove away but Howie only looked in his direction at the last moment, raising his arm only slightly to acknowledge Didier’s departure. This left Didier with a deep feeling of unfinished business and he comforted himself with the thought that this was not their last meeting. If it had been, then Howie would surely have made a greater gesture of showing his heartbreak which had to be as great as his…didn’t it?
Months of sheer agony ensued! Didier thought of Howie every waking minute of every day and even his dreams would be invaded.
After incessant pleas to his parents for permission to visit the old neighbourhood, he was given leave to walk home with one of his schoolmates, who lived only two blocks from their former home on the pretext of doing some school work. This was not true, of course, but until that time he had not been able to convince them to allow him the journey on any other basis. He walked his schoolmate home and said goodbye (the fellow was unaware that he had been used as an instrument of deceit) and continued on to the old neighbourhood.
This was the hour at which Howie and he would have met and on approaching the old house he noted the absence of activity throughout the neighbourhood. Having come this far, he had no intention of giving up this easily so he sat himself down on the curb and waited. He did not have to wait very long (though it seemed like hours) when he spotted Howie approaching from up the street in the company of a boy he did not know. The presence of this boy had no effect on him whatsoever as he was completely fixed on his love coming nearer and nearer. He did not move from his spot on the curb and waited for Howie to catch his eye. He had to come very close so as not to miss his inevitable reaction. He stopped dead in his tracks and just stared at him for a moment then turned to his companion, said something in his ear, then turned back and walked toward the boy on the curb. His companion continued on and walked up the stoop to Howie’s front porch and sat down. Howie came to Didier and said ‘Hi’ in a very flat and unemotional tone. Didier was beaming with a smile that stretched from ear to ear. On hearing this greeting, Didier sprang to his feet and fought the urge to throw his arms around his older boyfriend. Howie for his part stood a good three feet away and made no attempt to reach out to Didier nor did he smile or display any other sign that he was glad to see him. His next words were sharper and pierced Didier’s heart like a dagger: “What are you doing here?” he scowled.
Didier suddenly felt the need to defend his presence there and told Howie a story about escorting a schoolmate home because he was ill and, well, he thought he would take a last look at the old house, upon which Howie began berating his family and the disgusting condition that they had left the house in and…and…and…there was just no end to the recriminations that were being dished out. Didier went into shock and heard nothing that was being said. He only heard the tone of Howie’s voice and his heart sank to his socks. His oratory complete, Howie turned back and walked to his companion who was waiting on the porch. He grabbed the waiting boy by the shoulder and led him into the house. The door slammed and Didier was left standing on the curb, frozen to the spot and stunned. He stood there for what seemed like an eternity before starting off for the long walk back to school and then home at a pace that would make a snail look back in frustration. He sobbed soundlessly all the way home.
The first and only love he had known had left him a nine-year-old with a grown-up broken heart!
He would mope around for months with this heavy burden but eventually circumstances would overtake him and he would put it aside. He never forgot…he simply moved on.
Years later, when he was 13, he would see Howie again but, in spite of his attempts to isolate Didier, they were never alone. Nothing happened and they never saw each other again.
THE END (or, more accurately: THE BEGINNING)
Right! I hope you enjoyed that, now let me tell you the rest. I promise not to get too anecdotal…but it may not be that easy.
In general, I have to admit to a relatively liberal upbringing. I was the oldest of a large family and I was given more-or-less free-reign when it came to the kids I hung around with. As a result, I never had to hide a boyfriend or meet anyone clandestinely. My boyfriends were always welcome in our home and in my bed although my parents neither suspected nor asked any questions. There was no one to reprimand me or tell me that what I was up to was not quite acceptable. I did not do any pursuing, as such, but I was an easy seduction. I had boyfriends that I slept with and I had boyfriends that I played with. Anyway, you get the idea. I had developed, at a very early age, a keen sense of who was what and never been disappointed. So far, so good! Then…there was high school!
High school then, as now no doubt, seemed to revolve around teen hormones. Sex was on everyone’s mind. It was an endless game of match-ups and break-ups and I soon realized that no one seemed to be playing by my rules anymore. So, in spite of earlier innocence, I threw myself into the closet I had never known and began flirting with girls. For some odd reason, I was very popular among the girls. The boys were split into two groups: those who loved me and those who hated me…there was no middle ground. The advantage to this split made the choice of friends easy. I attended what was referred to as a ‘tech’ school, which meant that the population was 90% male. I was in the arts course so I had female classmates. The ‘tech’ boys were jealous and tended to bully the arts boys. They spent far too much time in macho displays and pissing contests. I loved it! I hated it! It was different from day to day. Anyway, I allowed myself to fall in love with everyone (as one did) of either sex. My choice of girlfriends leant itself naturally to the virginal ones. Go figure! I held back on the boys as I always had a boyfriend at home waiting at the door. We didn’t all attend the same schools.
My best friend from high school is still my best friend and he has been witness to everything that I’ve been through as I have been witness to his life too. He is straight. In the stupor of a night of binge-drinking, I came out to him. His reaction was to put his arm around my shoulder and tell me…”I don’t care”. In the clear light of the hang-over that followed, he needed a single day to process the information but on the second day we were closer than ever. I was the ‘best man’ at his wedding (I also sang) and I delivered the eulogy at his wife’s funeral a year ago. I have always had the knack of choosing beautiful people as friends. I don’t mean the group in frocks and high-heels although some of them qualify as well. My other high school friends are still friends and I keep in touch with them regularly. At some point, my male and female friends began to defend me against the onslaught of the bullies who inevitably banished the ‘Q’ word about. At a later point (I can’t really remember when) I asked them not to do this anymore. This was my ‘coming out’ to friends. After that, I no longer needed or felt compelled to hide my sexuality. It was never talked about.
It was during this time that I met my life-long girlfriend, Bonnie. She had an ambiguous sexuality but her hormones were working over-time. She could give any of those ‘tech boys’ a run for the money. About half-way through high school she decided that she was a lesbian. We became attached at the hip from that point on-ward. She taught me a lot and, as you will see a bit later, was a devoted friend. We were completely honest and open with each other and shared everything about our lives. There was actually an incident involving one of my play-mates (no sex) whom I had fallen head-over-heels in love with and who was crazy to get into her pants. She teased him and led him to believe that there was a possibility that they might become more intimate given time. She thought, however, that he should try sleeping with a lad (by the way, I was available) to experience the difference. I slept in his bed that night but alas, I could not make the first move and neither could he. Wasted opportunity, perhaps, but it’s the thought that counts.
Outside of school, I was an ardent air cadet and had over the years advanced in rank until I had the distinction of being the highest ranking cadet in the history of the squadron until then. Here, I experienced an unfortunate incident related to falling in love with my next-in-command. While I was a cadet, I was satisfied to lust from afar (at times that could be closer) without ever making any kind of move. Nor did he know about the rest of my life. At 19 I was retired from the movement and my underlings had planned a surprise birthday party in the cadet-hall. My next-in-command was given the task of delivering me into the darkened hall under some pretext or other. He succeeded but while we were fumbling in the dark for light switches, I was reaching over to touch him rather inappropriately when the lights came on to the roar of the shouts of “SURPRISE!!” I collapsed to the floor, half from the shock of the surprise and half from the terror that came over me as the possible consequences of my planned action had I been a second quicker. That was a close one! The party was great and completely outside of tradition. The following day, while chatting with him on the phone and laughing and reminiscing about the events of the previous night, I decided to confess my feelings to him. How lucky it was that I chose the telephone to make that admission. If we had been face-to-face, he would probably have remodeled mine. Suddenly, the vulnerability of my situation became obvious to me. We never saw each other again. He has, however, recently become a Facebook friend. But the event made me defensive and cautious, something that I had previously chosen to reject.
Growing up this way, I found myself falling in love at the drop of a hat and rarely had less than two boyfriends on the go at any one time. I don’t even wish to tell how many I have had at my peak. Suffice it to say that some of them knew each other as well and group-therapy was not altogether unknown to us. But childish games aside, there were two special boyfriends whom I loved very much and who had no idea of the others. After graduation I left home but maintained the relationships although distance and circumstance made our meetings less frequent. I had plans to work and go to college and move in with one of them and establish ourselves as a proper couple. On one of my Saturdays working at Agnew Surpass shoe shop, he came to see me all bubbly and smiling from ear to ear. In my naiveté I assumed that he was overjoyed to see me since we had been separated a little longer than usual and that he was looking forward to our time together after my shift was done. Instead, he announced that he was getting married….to a girl! I was shocked but mostly hurt! I sent him packing with every kind of verbal abuse that a wounded animal might produce.
Well, at least I still had one boyfriend left. Shortly after the above incident, I moved in with Bonnie and her girlfriend JJ. We had a ‘gay-old-time’ most of the time and the boyfriend came when called. He preferred to meet me when the girls weren’t home and, of course, I had no objection to that as it made the event much more intimate. I had still not ‘come-out’ in any public way…i.e. to the family and work acquaintances, but the knowledge of my living circumstances made people suspicious. One night, lying in bed cuddling with my boyfriend and listening to Emerson, Lake & Palmer, he suddenly turned to me and said: “I don’t think we should do this anymore…its wrong.” I was stunned and, once again, very hurt. What could I do? He married a woman two weeks later.
Now I had no boyfriend at all! I became confused and lost as to how to remedy the situation. I came from a small city that, as far as I knew, had nothing to offer in the way of meeting places for people like me. Of course I was wrong but would not know about this until later. I began to spend more time with my lesbian roommates and in the course of our partying I managed to meet other gays. I spent less and less time with my straight friends and never ever mixed the company. This was quite revolutionary for me all the same. But I was now living two lives. Together with 11 of my new friends, we found a location and opened the city’s first officially ‘gay’ club, operating on a banquet license renewed each weekend. My college friends suspected and some even asked directly whether I was gay. Each time, I was over-defensive and denied it. On the weekends at The Twilight Villa Social Club, I was completely open and outgoing.
By now, Bonnie and JJ were split up and JJ and I were now the only tenants of the apartment. My parents…actually only my Dad, was very confused. As fate would have it, JJ was killed in a car accident and on the day of the funeral, my Dad made the unusual effort of taking me under his wing. On the drive back home, he asked me to explain the nature of the relationship that I had with JJ. In his absence, I told my Mom that I would have an honest talk with him at which point she asked to be driven home first. My father became quite excited and after dropping Mom off at home he took me to a bar which he knew quite well. He knew a lot of bars quite well. He ordered drinks and just sat across from me with eyes wide open in anxious anticipation of what I was about to say. I don’t know what he expected but I know it wasn’t what I was about to tell him. I was grieving and too weak and angry to hold back. I explained that JJ and I were just friends and that she was in fact a lesbian. Of course he asked why I would choose to live with a lesbian. I told him that I had a boyfriend named Billy and we were planning on living together as a couple. He stared at me in complete silence for the longest time and then suddenly broke into uncontrollable sobs. I was shocked as were the other patrons of the bar who quickly recognized the signs of family crisis and promptly ignored us. I spent the rest of the afternoon consoling my father and drinking with him. We got very drunk. The happier I got, the more miserable he got. But the cat was out of the bag and I never lied or hid from anyone ever again.
Even so, the struggle had only just begun. I was free but there were far too many places where I was no longer welcome or where my basic human rights were not respected. I had to endure the humiliation of seeing my boyfriend thrown in jail because the convenient nature of his marriage to Bonnie was discovered. This resulted in his eventual expulsion and my quest to get back with him. Since then, I have become the first person to be granted residency in Denmark, strictly on the basis of a relationship with a same-sex-partner; but that’s another story. We’ve seen the recognition of same-sex-couples on many fronts and the openness and dialogue which abounds in the media. Most importantly, our work and struggle has given strength and confidence to a new generation who will not waste the best years of their lives repressing their sexuality and emotions and hiding their true identities from their friends, family and colleagues. Their rights as human beings will be on a par with all others…almost! WOW!
So, that’s my ‘easing-out’ story. It only took me 16 years from the time I realized my sexuality to the day when all pretense expired. I can’t tell whether my story is the same as anyone else’s but I know that I have heard some pretty horrific coming out stories full of heart-ache, rejection and in some cases even violence. Mine had none of that but what it lacked in excitement it more than made up for in dragged-out time and frustration. Still, if my man had lived, we would be celebrating our 30th anniversary in two weeks time. I’m a happy and well adjusted old gay.
I am an ‘older’ gay man approaching my 60th birthday and it occurred to me that I should jot down some of my experience, not so much to merely tell a story, but also to demonstrate the progress which has been made during my lifetime. Even so, my journey has been much easier than many of my peers though not without drama. Some time ago, I wrote a short-story based on my very first experience with another boy and as an introduction to the rest of the story, I copy it here. (Note the names are fictitious).
FIRST LOVE
He was always in love. Not with a single person but always with someone; sometimes with more than one person at the time. Not always on a sensual plane, but sensuality undeniably played a major part in some infatuations. In fact, his first love affair began as mere sexual exploration and quickly turned into a real and enduring affection. His name was Howie and he was literally the boy next door. Two months into their relationship, Didier would find himself curled up in his bed trying to find sleep but unable to relax because he could not stop thinking about Howie. He imagined Howie in the bed beside him, holding him and with his heart pounding so hard that he could hear it; he thought “I wish I could keep him here for all of my life”. That was quite a thought for a seven-year-old to formulate.
Whatever the circumstances, the die was cast and his whole life from here-on-in would revolve around passion. His family life would encourage him to seek solace outside that would provide him (in a strange sort of way) with the emotional stability he would need to grow.
Howie was just two years older than Didier but for a 7 year-old that seemed like a generation of difference. He was, after all, one third his own age older. Although Howie did not socialize with him openly, in private he was very eager to teach Didier the ‘ways of grown-ups’…at least that was the way he explained it to him. Didier was slightly small for his age while Howie cut quite a figure for a nine-year-old. Of course his size commanded respect but Didier saw him as a figure of authority and awe. He hung on Howie’s every word and revelled in the attention he was given. Whenever he saw Howie on the street with his little group of cronies, he understood that he was not to expect any kind of acknowledgement from him. One of the group, Vince, was a chubby little Italian kid from up the street who enjoyed bullying the smaller children and this was tolerated until he began to physically abuse them. Whenever that occurred (and it was often) Howie would always wait until the very last moment to intervene…but he always did. Howie was the alpha male in the group and no one ever defied him. Even as Howie was saving Didier from an Italian attack, he was more concerned with disciplining Vince than in comforting the victim. Didier didn’t mind and at times even would gently provoke Vince in order to see Howie in action. He loved to see Howie in action!
For the next two years, all Didier’s hopes would revolve around keeping tabs on Howie’s schedule and the anticipation of their daily trips behind the garage or under the basement steps or in other camouflaged and discreet meeting places. The tenderness and attention he received from Howie would compensate the total perceived disinterest from his parents.
In the meantime, his family was growing and before long Didier found himself the eldest of two, then three, then four children and was appointed the ‘responsible’ one through no fault of his own. This meant that he would be expected to use all his free time in ‘watching’ his younger siblings and this necessarily resulted in a paring down of the time he would otherwise have spent with Howie. However, it had the unexpected result of adding the active participation of Howie in seeking out moments of solitude and a dimension of passion in the encounters beyond what two young boys could possibly have expected under usual circumstances. Didier’s love for Howie increased proportionally with the decrease in their meetings. There were many nights when Didier would cry himself to sleep because he had not been able to be with his love that day. Even on those days he would find solace in merely seeing him come and go from the house next door through the window of the family living room. Nevertheless, their meetings were no longer on a teacher/student level but had, over time, evolved into a coming together of lovers who had been united by circumstance. The encounters were always too few and too brief.
What would have been a logical consequence to an adult came as a devastating chock to Didier: His family had outgrown the house they called home and the date was announced for them to move on to more spacious accommodation. Didier was inconsolable but his parents assumed that this was simply a child’s over-reaction and were convinced that he would calm down as soon as he saw their new house. They never actually asked him why the prospect of moving upset him so. Had they asked, he would have told them but...they didn’t; nor did he volunteer the information. He had no idea that his relationship with Howie would have caused considerable consternation or that it was in any way unusual. The only thing he had learned about sexuality from his parents was that moments of intimacy were meant to be private. This had been re-enforced by the way in which Howie conducted their meetings. He had no concept of right and wrong when it came to love or sex. If the truth be known, he wasn’t even aware of the existence of sex as an independent phenomenon. The only thing he understood about his situation was that he was deliriously happy when he was with Howie and equally miserable when they were apart.
Howie’s reaction to the news was to take it a great deal more calmly and his only comment was one of resignation. “Of course,” he said, “the house is much too small for you now.” The only up-side to the upcoming move was that Howie made much more of an effort to seek Didier out at every opportunity. Didier was allowed a great deal more lee-way in the few weeks leading up to the move, probably due to his parents’ noticing his change of humour when he was called out. They probably thought that he was in the process of forgetting his sadness. They had no clue!
On moving day, Howie kept back, preferring to observe the proceedings from the safety of his front porch. He displayed no emotion, at times pretending to be occupied with things going on up the street. He did not budge from that spot nor did he make any overt attempt to say ‘goodbye’.
Once the last truck was packed and the family’s last belongings and children were bundled in the back seat of the car, Didier stared through the window at Howie sitting disinterestedly on the front porch. He waved frantically back at him as they drove away but Howie only looked in his direction at the last moment, raising his arm only slightly to acknowledge Didier’s departure. This left Didier with a deep feeling of unfinished business and he comforted himself with the thought that this was not their last meeting. If it had been, then Howie would surely have made a greater gesture of showing his heartbreak which had to be as great as his…didn’t it?
Months of sheer agony ensued! Didier thought of Howie every waking minute of every day and even his dreams would be invaded.
After incessant pleas to his parents for permission to visit the old neighbourhood, he was given leave to walk home with one of his schoolmates, who lived only two blocks from their former home on the pretext of doing some school work. This was not true, of course, but until that time he had not been able to convince them to allow him the journey on any other basis. He walked his schoolmate home and said goodbye (the fellow was unaware that he had been used as an instrument of deceit) and continued on to the old neighbourhood.
This was the hour at which Howie and he would have met and on approaching the old house he noted the absence of activity throughout the neighbourhood. Having come this far, he had no intention of giving up this easily so he sat himself down on the curb and waited. He did not have to wait very long (though it seemed like hours) when he spotted Howie approaching from up the street in the company of a boy he did not know. The presence of this boy had no effect on him whatsoever as he was completely fixed on his love coming nearer and nearer. He did not move from his spot on the curb and waited for Howie to catch his eye. He had to come very close so as not to miss his inevitable reaction. He stopped dead in his tracks and just stared at him for a moment then turned to his companion, said something in his ear, then turned back and walked toward the boy on the curb. His companion continued on and walked up the stoop to Howie’s front porch and sat down. Howie came to Didier and said ‘Hi’ in a very flat and unemotional tone. Didier was beaming with a smile that stretched from ear to ear. On hearing this greeting, Didier sprang to his feet and fought the urge to throw his arms around his older boyfriend. Howie for his part stood a good three feet away and made no attempt to reach out to Didier nor did he smile or display any other sign that he was glad to see him. His next words were sharper and pierced Didier’s heart like a dagger: “What are you doing here?” he scowled.
Didier suddenly felt the need to defend his presence there and told Howie a story about escorting a schoolmate home because he was ill and, well, he thought he would take a last look at the old house, upon which Howie began berating his family and the disgusting condition that they had left the house in and…and…and…there was just no end to the recriminations that were being dished out. Didier went into shock and heard nothing that was being said. He only heard the tone of Howie’s voice and his heart sank to his socks. His oratory complete, Howie turned back and walked to his companion who was waiting on the porch. He grabbed the waiting boy by the shoulder and led him into the house. The door slammed and Didier was left standing on the curb, frozen to the spot and stunned. He stood there for what seemed like an eternity before starting off for the long walk back to school and then home at a pace that would make a snail look back in frustration. He sobbed soundlessly all the way home.
The first and only love he had known had left him a nine-year-old with a grown-up broken heart!
He would mope around for months with this heavy burden but eventually circumstances would overtake him and he would put it aside. He never forgot…he simply moved on.
Years later, when he was 13, he would see Howie again but, in spite of his attempts to isolate Didier, they were never alone. Nothing happened and they never saw each other again.
THE END (or, more accurately: THE BEGINNING)
Right! I hope you enjoyed that, now let me tell you the rest. I promise not to get too anecdotal…but it may not be that easy.
In general, I have to admit to a relatively liberal upbringing. I was the oldest of a large family and I was given more-or-less free-reign when it came to the kids I hung around with. As a result, I never had to hide a boyfriend or meet anyone clandestinely. My boyfriends were always welcome in our home and in my bed although my parents neither suspected nor asked any questions. There was no one to reprimand me or tell me that what I was up to was not quite acceptable. I did not do any pursuing, as such, but I was an easy seduction. I had boyfriends that I slept with and I had boyfriends that I played with. Anyway, you get the idea. I had developed, at a very early age, a keen sense of who was what and never been disappointed. So far, so good! Then…there was high school!
High school then, as now no doubt, seemed to revolve around teen hormones. Sex was on everyone’s mind. It was an endless game of match-ups and break-ups and I soon realized that no one seemed to be playing by my rules anymore. So, in spite of earlier innocence, I threw myself into the closet I had never known and began flirting with girls. For some odd reason, I was very popular among the girls. The boys were split into two groups: those who loved me and those who hated me…there was no middle ground. The advantage to this split made the choice of friends easy. I attended what was referred to as a ‘tech’ school, which meant that the population was 90% male. I was in the arts course so I had female classmates. The ‘tech’ boys were jealous and tended to bully the arts boys. They spent far too much time in macho displays and pissing contests. I loved it! I hated it! It was different from day to day. Anyway, I allowed myself to fall in love with everyone (as one did) of either sex. My choice of girlfriends leant itself naturally to the virginal ones. Go figure! I held back on the boys as I always had a boyfriend at home waiting at the door. We didn’t all attend the same schools.
My best friend from high school is still my best friend and he has been witness to everything that I’ve been through as I have been witness to his life too. He is straight. In the stupor of a night of binge-drinking, I came out to him. His reaction was to put his arm around my shoulder and tell me…”I don’t care”. In the clear light of the hang-over that followed, he needed a single day to process the information but on the second day we were closer than ever. I was the ‘best man’ at his wedding (I also sang) and I delivered the eulogy at his wife’s funeral a year ago. I have always had the knack of choosing beautiful people as friends. I don’t mean the group in frocks and high-heels although some of them qualify as well. My other high school friends are still friends and I keep in touch with them regularly. At some point, my male and female friends began to defend me against the onslaught of the bullies who inevitably banished the ‘Q’ word about. At a later point (I can’t really remember when) I asked them not to do this anymore. This was my ‘coming out’ to friends. After that, I no longer needed or felt compelled to hide my sexuality. It was never talked about.
It was during this time that I met my life-long girlfriend, Bonnie. She had an ambiguous sexuality but her hormones were working over-time. She could give any of those ‘tech boys’ a run for the money. About half-way through high school she decided that she was a lesbian. We became attached at the hip from that point on-ward. She taught me a lot and, as you will see a bit later, was a devoted friend. We were completely honest and open with each other and shared everything about our lives. There was actually an incident involving one of my play-mates (no sex) whom I had fallen head-over-heels in love with and who was crazy to get into her pants. She teased him and led him to believe that there was a possibility that they might become more intimate given time. She thought, however, that he should try sleeping with a lad (by the way, I was available) to experience the difference. I slept in his bed that night but alas, I could not make the first move and neither could he. Wasted opportunity, perhaps, but it’s the thought that counts.
Outside of school, I was an ardent air cadet and had over the years advanced in rank until I had the distinction of being the highest ranking cadet in the history of the squadron until then. Here, I experienced an unfortunate incident related to falling in love with my next-in-command. While I was a cadet, I was satisfied to lust from afar (at times that could be closer) without ever making any kind of move. Nor did he know about the rest of my life. At 19 I was retired from the movement and my underlings had planned a surprise birthday party in the cadet-hall. My next-in-command was given the task of delivering me into the darkened hall under some pretext or other. He succeeded but while we were fumbling in the dark for light switches, I was reaching over to touch him rather inappropriately when the lights came on to the roar of the shouts of “SURPRISE!!” I collapsed to the floor, half from the shock of the surprise and half from the terror that came over me as the possible consequences of my planned action had I been a second quicker. That was a close one! The party was great and completely outside of tradition. The following day, while chatting with him on the phone and laughing and reminiscing about the events of the previous night, I decided to confess my feelings to him. How lucky it was that I chose the telephone to make that admission. If we had been face-to-face, he would probably have remodeled mine. Suddenly, the vulnerability of my situation became obvious to me. We never saw each other again. He has, however, recently become a Facebook friend. But the event made me defensive and cautious, something that I had previously chosen to reject.
Growing up this way, I found myself falling in love at the drop of a hat and rarely had less than two boyfriends on the go at any one time. I don’t even wish to tell how many I have had at my peak. Suffice it to say that some of them knew each other as well and group-therapy was not altogether unknown to us. But childish games aside, there were two special boyfriends whom I loved very much and who had no idea of the others. After graduation I left home but maintained the relationships although distance and circumstance made our meetings less frequent. I had plans to work and go to college and move in with one of them and establish ourselves as a proper couple. On one of my Saturdays working at Agnew Surpass shoe shop, he came to see me all bubbly and smiling from ear to ear. In my naiveté I assumed that he was overjoyed to see me since we had been separated a little longer than usual and that he was looking forward to our time together after my shift was done. Instead, he announced that he was getting married….to a girl! I was shocked but mostly hurt! I sent him packing with every kind of verbal abuse that a wounded animal might produce.
Well, at least I still had one boyfriend left. Shortly after the above incident, I moved in with Bonnie and her girlfriend JJ. We had a ‘gay-old-time’ most of the time and the boyfriend came when called. He preferred to meet me when the girls weren’t home and, of course, I had no objection to that as it made the event much more intimate. I had still not ‘come-out’ in any public way…i.e. to the family and work acquaintances, but the knowledge of my living circumstances made people suspicious. One night, lying in bed cuddling with my boyfriend and listening to Emerson, Lake & Palmer, he suddenly turned to me and said: “I don’t think we should do this anymore…its wrong.” I was stunned and, once again, very hurt. What could I do? He married a woman two weeks later.
Now I had no boyfriend at all! I became confused and lost as to how to remedy the situation. I came from a small city that, as far as I knew, had nothing to offer in the way of meeting places for people like me. Of course I was wrong but would not know about this until later. I began to spend more time with my lesbian roommates and in the course of our partying I managed to meet other gays. I spent less and less time with my straight friends and never ever mixed the company. This was quite revolutionary for me all the same. But I was now living two lives. Together with 11 of my new friends, we found a location and opened the city’s first officially ‘gay’ club, operating on a banquet license renewed each weekend. My college friends suspected and some even asked directly whether I was gay. Each time, I was over-defensive and denied it. On the weekends at The Twilight Villa Social Club, I was completely open and outgoing.
By now, Bonnie and JJ were split up and JJ and I were now the only tenants of the apartment. My parents…actually only my Dad, was very confused. As fate would have it, JJ was killed in a car accident and on the day of the funeral, my Dad made the unusual effort of taking me under his wing. On the drive back home, he asked me to explain the nature of the relationship that I had with JJ. In his absence, I told my Mom that I would have an honest talk with him at which point she asked to be driven home first. My father became quite excited and after dropping Mom off at home he took me to a bar which he knew quite well. He knew a lot of bars quite well. He ordered drinks and just sat across from me with eyes wide open in anxious anticipation of what I was about to say. I don’t know what he expected but I know it wasn’t what I was about to tell him. I was grieving and too weak and angry to hold back. I explained that JJ and I were just friends and that she was in fact a lesbian. Of course he asked why I would choose to live with a lesbian. I told him that I had a boyfriend named Billy and we were planning on living together as a couple. He stared at me in complete silence for the longest time and then suddenly broke into uncontrollable sobs. I was shocked as were the other patrons of the bar who quickly recognized the signs of family crisis and promptly ignored us. I spent the rest of the afternoon consoling my father and drinking with him. We got very drunk. The happier I got, the more miserable he got. But the cat was out of the bag and I never lied or hid from anyone ever again.
Even so, the struggle had only just begun. I was free but there were far too many places where I was no longer welcome or where my basic human rights were not respected. I had to endure the humiliation of seeing my boyfriend thrown in jail because the convenient nature of his marriage to Bonnie was discovered. This resulted in his eventual expulsion and my quest to get back with him. Since then, I have become the first person to be granted residency in Denmark, strictly on the basis of a relationship with a same-sex-partner; but that’s another story. We’ve seen the recognition of same-sex-couples on many fronts and the openness and dialogue which abounds in the media. Most importantly, our work and struggle has given strength and confidence to a new generation who will not waste the best years of their lives repressing their sexuality and emotions and hiding their true identities from their friends, family and colleagues. Their rights as human beings will be on a par with all others…almost! WOW!
So, that’s my ‘easing-out’ story. It only took me 16 years from the time I realized my sexuality to the day when all pretense expired. I can’t tell whether my story is the same as anyone else’s but I know that I have heard some pretty horrific coming out stories full of heart-ache, rejection and in some cases even violence. Mine had none of that but what it lacked in excitement it more than made up for in dragged-out time and frustration. Still, if my man had lived, we would be celebrating our 30th anniversary in two weeks time. I’m a happy and well adjusted old gay.
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